Heartache Of An Electronic Love Affair

I’m on holidays this week so I thought I’d resurrect one of my favourite posts that I’d originally written last fall.  Leave a comment if you’d like!

Scammers seep into every crevice of society including online dating sites. Spotting one of these pros may not be as easy as you think. If it’s too good to be true…it probably is!

Savvy meets Suave
I have a friend who’s a savvy, attractive businesswoman in her early 50’s. Moving on from an ugly divorce, she posted an honest profile of herself on a well-known dating site and waited for the “smiles” to arrive in her mailbox. And smile they did.

She responded to lots of nice men, including a very attractive European entrepreneur. A successful architect in Europe, he was out of the country designing buildings in South Africa. Handsome, rich and well travelled he seemed like the perfect match. They’d talk well into the night about everything and seemed to have a lot in common. He might be the one, she barely whispered to me on the phone one night. She sent me pictures of him and he certainly was nice eye candy. But I had to check him out myself so I Googled him. He was a well-known Dutch architect with impressive work.

During a steamy phone conversation, he told her he was falling for her. First red flag. She was excited, but sceptical. He was persuasive. She was losing her head and her heart over this guy. Weeks passed and they decided to meet. He told her he’d taken his profile off the site because he was falling in love with her. That sealed the deal for her. But he was still in South Africa and experiencing financial difficulties. Second red flag. He had to use all of his disposable cash to pay his workers.

Busted
Late one night, she was startled by her cell phone ringing. Frantic and out of breath, he asked her if she could send him $300 US. “What for?” she asked, “and why are you calling me at 3:00 am?” Apologizing, he asked her to call him back in the morning. Instead of calling him, she called the online dating site’s information line. The representative told her that he was off the site because he’d used a stolen credit card to pay for his membership. He was not a Dutch architect. The name of the architect was legit but it wasn’t him. And the photos – pictures of a model from a popular European magazine.

Somewhere on the planet this guy was probably sitting in a little sweat shop with a bunch of other guys calling dozens of women at the same time and giving them the same story. The dating service representative told her when he calls to tell him that she was calling the FBI and not to contact her again. The authorities were aware of the scam but the representative said it’s almost impossible to track these people because they use stolen credit cards and stolen identities. Humiliated, she hung up. Later that day, he called. She told him to get lost and that she was calling the FBI. Of course, he cried and said he didn’t know what she was talking about and she hung up. Surprise. She never heard from him again.

A Dangerous Emotional Game
My friend became emotionally attached to this guy by talking on the phone and emailing. She’d fallen for someone who didn’t exist. It’s a dangerous emotional game to untangle yourself from. These guys are good at what they do. They tell you exactly what you want to hear and before you know it, bang! You’re hooked. You run to your Inbox every morning to look for his email and if it’s not there, you panic. Why hasn’t he written? He’s probably found someone else. You drive yourself insane going over everything you’ve said and written to this guy wondering what you did to turn him off. Trust me, he’s like a drug. He’ll be back. And he’s lethal.

A Therapist’s Advice
My friend’s therapist suggested she follow these simple guidelines:
1. Choose a person who lives in your area.
2. Have a brief conversation or two on the phone.
3. Meet for coffee in a public place.
4. Go home – alone.

No long drawn out love affairs fuelled by technology. No tears. And most of all no empty bank accounts!