After five years of struggling in the trenches of online dating, I FINALLY found love online.  Believe me, there were Saturday nights when I was convinced that I’d be sitting alone watching reruns of Seinfeld wrapped in an afghan with my blue perm but now I’ll have an afghan for two.  I met Ed on Canadian Personals and we’ve been married for almost three years.  Poor guy had to pay to get back on the site to open my email.  Best $37.42 he ever spent! 

Be Patient
People must have thought I was in reverse when it came to settling down for the second time.  I’d been divorced for sixteen years before I met Ed (it was TelePersonals before the computer age)!  Online dating can be a lonely frustrating road – cancelled dates, no shows, endless phone conversations, telling your story over and over – but with a little patience and perseverance it pays off. 

Try a Different Site
If you’re not getting the results you want from the site you’re on, look elsewhere.  Google “dating sites,” and you’ll be reading for a decade!  Having said that, give the site you’re on a chance.  Putting profiles all over the place can be confusing and costly.  If you’re not meeting the guys you want at a particular site, review your profile and photo before you jump ship. 

Tough Times Ahead
Online dating is not for the faint of heart.  You’re at a disadvantage compared to more conventional dating because you aren’t initially meeting people face to face.  At times I would rather have had needles stuck in my eyes than have to face yet another “first date.”  But I knew I wanted to meet someone and giving up just wasn’t an option.

Be Good To Yourself
Online dating can become an obsession.  It’s like a drug.  New matches arriving everyday in your email.  Photos of attractive men. Smiles and winks on your profile.  Once in awhile you need to come up for air!  Take a little break  from the online dating scene.  Catch a movie.  Go out with your girlfriends.  Online dating isn’t the only way to meet great guys! 

Enjoy!
Life isn’t a dress rehearsal.  So relax and have some fun!  This is a wrap for my series, “Survival Strategies for Online Dating.”  I know if you keep some of the techniques I’ve talked about in mind during your online dating journey, you’ll find him.

You’ve made it!  Your online dating strategy is working and you’ve set up a first date with an awesome guy (maybe after reading Part 4 of the series you arranged your date through instant messaging).  At your first meeting, you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize your chances of going on a second date.  But, I quickly learned that throwing caution to the wind and leaving myself vulnerable to heartache wasn’t very smart.  The majority of the men I dated were absolute gentlemen, but one mistake can affect the rest of your life.

Meet In a Public Place
NEVER go to the guy’s place or invite him to your house for your first meeting!  Bottom line is you don’t know him.  Trust me, I’m not being paranoid here.  He can tell you that his kids will be there or he lives with his grandmother, whatever.  One woman told me she’d been invited back to a guy’s house for lunch after they’d been at church.  She met him at his house and the guy came to the door in a housecoat and later exposed himself…and his kids were at home!!!  She was lucky.  She got away.

Tell Someone Where You’re Going
I always had a buddy system.  I lived at home with my family so my mom used to peek out the living room drapes and write down the guy’s license plate number!  Maybe she went a little above and beyond but hey I was glad someone knew where I was.  If you can’t let someone know your plans, at least leave the guy’s name, phone number and where you’ve gone beside your phone at home or tacked on your frig door.  Pilots file flight plans.  Consider yourself a pilot.

Take Your Own Car
And if you don’t have a car, take a cab.  After all of the Oprah Winfrey shows I’ve watched, I cannot believe I got into the cars of some of my dates.  I literally had to escape one guy’s car at a stoplight after he grabbed my hand and placed it, “in his lap.”  Trust your gut instinct.  If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.

No Alcohol
A glass or two of wine would have tremendously eased my anxiety but also clouded my head.  You need to keep your wits about you and get to know a little about who this guy is.  It’s all about first impressions and believe me, you’ll leave one if you stagger to the ladies room.

Best Advice:  DON’T Sleep With Him On the First Date
Big mistake.  First of all, you want to stay in a public place and you won’t be if you decide to go somewhere secluded.  Secondly, you don’t even know this man so why would you sleep with him.  And finally, chances are he won’t call you again.  I’m not so sure that men are as liberal minded these days as we women might think.  I’m no puritan but if it’s meant to be, he’ll wait.

Be safe.  Remember your online dating standards!

Coming this Thursday, (Oct. 29) Part 6: How I Found True Love Online.

Think twice before you push that Send button.  Once your message leaves your computer screen it’s out there.  Forever.  Instant messaging is an awesome way to connect with someone you’re interested in.  I used to get all nervous and think, wow, this person is really talking to me right now!  But instant message conversations can be tricky and without a little conscious effort, the results can be disastrous! 

You’ve written a great profile, set your online dating standards and after reading Part 3 of the series, you know who to steer clear of online.  Stay on track with these tips for instant messaging. 

“Hey, that’s not what I meant!”
It’s soooo easy to be misunderstood when you’re having an instant message conversation.  Sounds crazy but proofread what you write before you send it.  Humour doesn’t always work either.  You might be joking and if you’d said it live, your mannerisms and facial expressions would be easy to interpret.  No such luxury online.  The damage is done and trying to back track and explain what you meant presents a huge risk.

Avoid Multiple Conversations
I found it frustrating when I’d be having a conversation with a guy and it took him forever to answer me back.  Few of us type at lightening speed but I knew he wasn’t focused on the conversation with me and was probably talking to other people at the same time.  Huge gaps make the conversation frustrating and you wouldn’t talk like that in person.

Keep Your Messages Short and to the Point
Next time you’re talking to someone, pay attention to how long your answers are to their questions.  Short and sweet worked best for me.  I gave enough information to answer his questions but a little mystery can go a long way too.  You’re answering a question not writing a novel.

Never Argue In An Instant Messaging Conversation
Arguments are explosive!  Keep your cool because every message you send can become a permanent record on his computer.  He can save your conversation, read it over and over again and even print it out!  What you say can and will be used against you.  Politely steer the conversation in another direction or end it and talk some other time.  This is one situation where you need to stay focused and remember your online dating standards.

A Date Is A Date
If you make arrangements to talk to him online at a certain date and time, be there.  I’d anticipate having a great conversation with a guy and I’d no sooner find myself checking back and forth to see if he was online when we’d arranged a time to talk.  Or he’d be online but not answer my message.  Take instant messaging seriously.  It’s another way of getting to know the right guy for you!

Coming this Tuesday (Oct. 27) Part 5: Don’t Make Your First Date Your Last.

Remember the song by The Clash, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”  Certain situations when you’re dating online absolutely dictate that without hesitation, you should go.  In Part 2 of this series, you set yourself a standard of conduct for your online dating and you’re sticking with it.  You’ve met some really amazing guys but just haven’t connected with the right guy yet. 

Sadly, I learned very quickly that not everyone online is sincere about finding true love on the internet.  Remember these red flags and you’ll meet Mr. Right and avoid Mr. Hazardous-to-Your-Health!

He can’t stop talking about his past relationships.  You want a guy to focus on you and not be talking about his ex all the time.  Sometimes I felt like I was out with the ex-girlfriend or ex-wife because I’d heard so much about her!  This is especially true if a guy is just out of a long-term relationship.  These are probably great guys – but they’re guys who haven’t quite come to terms with their past relationships and the timing just isn’t right for you two to get involved.

You suspect he’s married.  I encountered a couple of married men online and shut them down pretty quick.  These guys are toxic.  Listen to your gut instinct and watch for these signs:  a guy who is never available to see you on weekends or holidays; will only call you late at night or from work; doesn’t have a photo with his profile; doesn’t introduce you to his friends and the details of his life just don’t add up.        

He lies about his age, height or anything else.  Getting hooked up with a guy that lies will only cause you heartache.  If he lies at the beginning of your relationship, he’ll lie until it’s over.  And lying about little things is not ok either.  Little lies turn into big lies – lies that could be very damaging to your emotional health in the long run.  

He behaves badly.  It’s not an indictable offence to break a date but if he breaks the date without calling and stands you up, I’d think twice about starting something with this guy.  I had a guy stand me up and called me the next day.  He said that he couldn’t call me to break the date because he was at another woman’s home staying overnight and didn’t think it would be appropriate to call from her house.  Really?  Who knew.

Stick to your standards.  You deserve the best!

Coming this Friday (Oct. 23) Part 4: Instant Messaging is Permanent Messaging.

According to Webster’s Online Dictionary, etiquette is defined as, “rules governing socially acceptable behaviour.”  I don’t consider myself the Emily Post of online dating but I found a degree of finesse certainly went a long way when I was trying to meet someone online.  Etiquette doesn’t dissolve because you’re online.  My father used to tell me, “You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.”  Well Queen Bees, get ready to buzz!

Be Considerate
You’ve written an enticing and engaging profile by following Part 1 of this series and now men are responding to you.  Treating someone the way you’d like to be treated goes a long way. I think when we get behind our computer screens we forget that we’re corresponding with a real person and not some newspaper ad. We’re a little trigger-happy sometimes when we’re ready to hit that delete key. To survive in online dating you need to set a standard for yourself and stick with it.

Wink Back If You’re Interested
It’s really flattering receiving smiles and winks. Reciprocate with a wink only if you’re interested. And if you initiated the wink, don’t take it too personally if he doesn’t wink back. I found this hard at the beginning. I had to remind myself that I was there to meet someone who wanted to meet me and not to waste my energy worrying about someone who didn’t.

It’s Ok to Say No
Some guys just don’t seem to take no for an answer. If you’ve told him politely that you’re not interested and he continues to pursue you, it’s ok to block him. Blocking someone prevents them from contacting you. And if you believe this person is a scammer or could be dangerous for whatever reason, report him to the administrator of the site. Chances are you aren’t the only one he’s bothered.

The Houdini Syndrome
Missing without a trace. I went through a period where it seemed like I was getting along really well with a guy, we’d be chatting or emailing and just when we’d get to setting up a time to meet, he’d disappear. Poof! Vanished. Or we’d chat on the phone, have a great conversation and then he would never call again or return my call. I got so frustrated that I put in my profile, “Houdinis, please do not respond.” Not the smartest thing to write in a profile but I’d had it by that point. Definitely a red flag because these guys could have been married or just in it for the attention. Going AWOL is a power trip and isn’t fair to the other person.

It’s Not Cool to Misrepresent Yourself
Married men (and women) don’t belong on singles dating sites. Period. In fact, if you’re in a committed relationship you’re not doing yourself or anyone else any favours by trying to be someone you’re not.

Follow the unwritten rules and you’re one step closer to meeting the man for you!

Coming Monday (Oct. 19) Part 3: Run! How to Spot Insincere Men Online.

You need a pretty tough skin to survive in the world of online dating. It’s like a great big competition with an infinite number of contestants all competing for the same prize. Looking your best online is crucial to successfully finding the right guy for you.  I’m starting the first segment of my six-part series, “Survival Strategies for Online Dating” by tackling the challenge of writing an eye catching profile with a great photo.

First Impressions Count
I’m a copywriter with a major in marketing so I know a little about writing ads and reaching your target market. You are the product and you’re trying to promote yourself. You may not like the idea of being referred to as a product, but in this forum, you are it.   But finding the right words isn’t always easy.  So when you write your profile:

Be creative.  “Long walks on the beach” are great if you actually take them. Talk about what you like to do and what’s important to you in a relationship. Remember it’s not a grocery list.  And the guys won’t have time to read, “War and Peace” so keep it brief, simple and to the point. Think about who’s reading your profile. If you wouldn’t read it, they won’t either.

Ask a question in your headline.  Stand out.  You could include a question reflecting something in your profile.  Your headline is the first thing they’re going to read.  You either catch their attention or you don’t.  And if it’s not engaging, they’ll move on.  Quickly.  Headlines do sell.  Next time you’re out, take a look at the headlines in the newspapers at the newsstand.

Use proper punctuation, grammar and correct spelling. Nothing would drive me crazier than reading a guy’s profile that didn’t use periods and never capitalized a word! Must have been a lot of keyboards with broken shift keys out there.  Take pride in your profile.  It shows that you take pride in yourself and that you’re serious about meeting someone.

Be honest and polite.  Never lie!  It’ll haunt you forever if you do.  I had a guy who said he was 5’8”.  When I met him, he wasn’t.  He’d lied about his height.  And his credibility was ruined with me.  Don’t be ashamed of who you are or what you look like and feel you have to lie.  You’ll be fooling yourself if you think he will like you soooo much that he’ll forget all about the fact that you lied to him before you even met him!  Believe me it won’t happen.

Be engaging but not flirty.  You are who you hang with and some men may misunderstand your innocent flirting as a come on.  You might attract men that you don’t want or that are not serious about a relationship.  The same applies to clothing in your photo.  You wouldn’t wear a bathing suit or an evening gown on a blind date.  So stay true to yourself and post a picture that reflects who you are.

Always, always, always be positive!  Your profile is not a confessional, a place to complain about your ex, put men down, cry menopause or PMS, or take out your frustrations on others.  Run for the hills if you read a guy’s profile that puts women down or even mentions his ex.  And the same rule applies to you.

Choose a recent photo.  You’re not fooling anyone by posting an outdated picture of yourself.  And most guys don’t like glamour shots.  I posted a couple and guys would say, “That’s a great picture but do you have any real ones?”  Cutting someone out of the photo looks tacky too!  I skipped guys with photos where it was obvious they’d cut a woman out that they were gripping by the waist and then said, “Oh that was my sister.”  It may have been but I preferred men who were alone in their pics or doing some kind of activity that might have included other people.

You Are Your Best Advertisement
Think of your profile and photo as your trademark.  Focus on your headline.  You can always go back and change your profile if you find you’re not attracting the guys you want.  But first impressions can be lasting impressions.  So make your online dating profile unforgettable.

What’s worked for you and what hasn’t?  Feel free to leave your comments. 

Coming this Friday (Oct. 16) Part 2:  Kathryn’s Guide to Online Dating Etiquette.

Online dating can make you feel like a kid in a candy store!  Hundreds and hundreds of eligible men from all over the world appearing on your computer screen waiting to meet you.  It’s absolutely intoxicating.  But too much eye candy can be hazardous to your health.  With so many choices, you have to set yourself some boundaries and guidelines so that you can find the right guy for you.

At 40, I was tired of the bar scene and scary blind dates so I googled a few dating sites and wrote my first profile.  I spent five years in the trenches of online dating until I met my husband on Canadian Personals.  Many women over 40 find themselves single again for the first time in a very long time.  Online dating has skyrocketed to the top of the charts in popularity and beats a lot of the old alternatives hands down.  But rest assured, as an online dating veteran, I have experienced some pretty unforgettable online dating disasters! 
 
New Six Part Series
I’m really excited to introduce you to a new series I’ll be starting this Tuesday called, “Survival Strategies for Online Dating” to help you avoid some of the pitfalls of online dating that I encountered.  I’ll be covering topics like:

• It’s all about you:  your profile and photos
• Don’t expect miracles from online dating
• Kathryn’s Guide to Online Etiquette
• Run! Steer clear of these men
• It may be instant messaging but it’s permanent messaging
• Don’t make the first meeting your last

I cringe when I think about some of the things I’d written in my first profiles or the garbage I put up with from a few of my prospective dates.  It’s always the old adage, “If I knew then what I know now.”  Well I’m going to tell you what I know now.  No fluff.  No frills.  Just the straight goods.  You may feel like you’re drowning right now in online dating and ready to give up.  But hang in there!  This series is for you too. 

Leave Your Comments and Questions
Sharing your experiences is really important to help make this series work.  I’ll be asking questions and looking for your feedback so please feel free to leave a comment or question.  This might be a good time to consider receiving my posts through email or my RSS feed.  No other readers will see your email address and I do not share your email addresses with anyone. 

Remember, the fun starts here Tuesday, October 13!

Savvy meets Suave
I have a friend who’s a savvy, attractive businesswoman in her early 50’s. Moving on from an ugly divorce, she posted an honest profile of herself on a well-known dating site and waited for the “smiles” to arrive in her mailbox. And smile they did.

She responded to lots of nice men, including a very attractive European entrepreneur. A successful architect in Europe, he was out of the country designing buildings in South Africa. Handsome, rich and well travelled he seemed like the perfect match. They’d talk well into the night about everything and seemed to have a lot in common. He might be the one, she barely whispered to me on the phone one night. She sent me pictures of him and he certainly was nice eye candy. But I had to check him out myself so I Googled him. He was a well-known Dutch architect with impressive work.

During a steamy phone conversation, he told her he was falling for her. First red flag. She was excited, but sceptical. He was persuasive. She was losing her head and her heart over this guy. Weeks passed and they decided to meet. He told her he’d taken his profile off the site because he was falling in love with her. That sealed the deal for her. But he was still in South Africa and experiencing financial difficulties. Second red flag. He had to use all of his disposable cash to pay his workers.

Busted
Late one night, she was startled by her cell phone ringing. Frantic and out of breath, he asked her if she could send him $300 US. “What for?” she asked, “and why are you calling me at 3:00 am?” Apologizing, he asked her to call him back in the morning. Instead of calling him, she called the online dating site’s information line. The representative told her that he was off the site because he’d used a stolen credit card to pay for his membership. He was not a Dutch architect. The name of the architect was legit but it wasn’t him. And the photos – pictures of a model from a popular European magazine.

Somewhere on the planet this guy was probably sitting in a little sweat shop with a bunch of other guys calling dozens of women at the same time and giving them the same story. The dating service representative told her when he calls to tell him that she was calling the FBI and not to contact her again. The authorities were aware of the scam but the representative said it’s almost impossible to track these people because they use stolen credit cards and stolen identities. Humiliated, she hung up. Later that day, he called. She told him to get lost and that she was calling the FBI. Of course, he cried and said he didn’t know what she was talking about and she hung up. Surprise. She never heard from him again.

A Dangerous Emotional Game
My friend became emotionally attached to this guy by talking on the phone and emailing. She’d fallen for someone who didn’t exist. It’s a dangerous emotional game to untangle yourself from. These guys are good at what they do. They tell you exactly what you want to hear and before you know it, bang! You’re hooked. You run to your Inbox every morning to look for his email and if it’s not there, you panic. Why hasn’t he written? He’s probably found someone else. You drive yourself insane going over everything you’ve said and written to this guy wondering what you did to turn him off. Trust me, he’s like a drug. He’ll be back. And he’s lethal.

A Therapist’s Advice
My friend’s therapist suggested she follow these simple guidelines:
1. Choose a person who lives in your area.
2. Have a brief conversation or two on the phone.
3. Meet for coffee in a public place.
4. Go home – alone.

No long drawn out love affairs fuelled by technology. No tears. And most of all no empty bank accounts!